P90X = FAIL`

Ok, so one of my goals was supposed to be to lose some weight.. 40 pounds to be exact, with a goal of 10 pounds per month.. How was I going to do this? Originally, the plan was to eat right, do P90X at least once a day and go to the gym at least 4 days a week.. And how have I been doing so far??

Eating right... Well, semi-"check". I have managed to cut down my portions and eat a somewhat healthier variety of foods, including cutting out a lot of processed foods and sodas. I've cut back on meats and cheese and increased whole grains, fish/squid and yogurt.

Photo Courtesy of Emily Strickland Fidler

P90X... Here's the first of the FAILS... I was gung-ho about it, even going so far as to taking the embarrassing before pictures in my underwear (no, you will NEVER get to see them). It was all I talked about for a week. I even did some workouts without Drew because I didn't want anyone else's lack of motivation to bring me down. Then I realized something... *With the kids and work, fitting in a 1.5 hr workout is HARD!! Not to mention not being able to do half the crap that's on the video. I mean, come on... Wacky Jacks? Dreya roll? Plyometrics?? I swear I could hear Drew laughing in his head at my failed attempts at every move and the seemingly near death look on my face as I'm doing it. With the lack of organization with my time and the decreasing self-confidence came decreasing motivation.. Drew and I put in a good effort to keep up with workouts every day for a whole week... And that was it. FAIL....

Gym... Here's another fail.. Money's become a little tight with the addition of our newest little girl, so I suspended my membership to the gym that is right around the corner from my house. Believe it or not, getting out and to that gym was really hard! Besides, I have a gym, at work, that's free and I'm right there 5 days a week, in just the next building. I could go in there and do a quick workout at lunch or after work before I pick up the kids, right? Easy! *imitates buzzer* WRONG!! How many times have I made it in there do even pick up on dumbbell?? NONE... I hang my head in shame.. FAIL #2!

I'm so ashamed... And since I have slacked off on the workouts, I've also slacked off on the eating well.. I have had quite a few sodas and kettle chips are my weakness... The good news is, despite my setbacks and somewhat roller coaster weight the past month, I have lost a net amount of 5 lbs. That's half my goal weight?! How the heck did that happen??? Maybe it's the stress of the poster presentation at a conference I recently attended in Austin, TX. Maybe it's chasing after a two year old while trying to take care of an infant. Maybe it's pure luck.. Whatever it is, I'll take it!! 

But I still feel terrible about not sticking to my goals and doing my best to achieve them.. I feel it every time I look in the mirror.. I feel it every time I put on a pair of jeans, and even though I can zip them up easily I have the deflated muffin top hanging over the waist band. I feel it every time I think my husband is probably wishing his wife were a little hotter, but she's stuck with her. This ranks pretty high up there on the list of things I've felt worst about.

So where do I go from here?? Well... I guess I follow the old cliche and "pick myself up and dust myself off and start over again." Even though I normally would say "Oh, well.. I should be used to failure by now," that's what I'm trying to get away from. I want to be successful and confident. Even if it means putting on a fake smile and drudging on.. So...  

BRING ON ROUND 2!

A realization, a miracle and great loss...

The past 6 months have been full of events. 

In March, a good friend and co-worker was shockingly diagnosed with stage IV cancer. No symptoms prior to his diagnosis, really. I'm probably a little sketchy with the details, but from what I understand he went in to get checked for pneumonia. I think one or both of his children had the illness and he thought he may be coming down with it as well. X-Rays showed his lungs were clear, but at the very bottom of the X-ray there was something. After further scans and tests, they discovered his abdomen was littered with tumors. More testing and biopsies later, they diagnosed him with a very aggressive carcinoma of unknown origin, with only about 2 weeks to live. Through various chemotherapies, LOTS of prayers and support, and the hard work of doctors in Mobile and Texas he fought valiantly for several months. He eventually succumbed to it in June, leaving a hole in so many hearts. He was a good man, a great friend and a wonderful husband/father. It's a shame that the best of people end up leaving us so early. I will always remember his quirks and his good deeds, our conversations and his goofiness. Rest in peace, my friend, and continue your kindness wherever you may be.

Now, on a happier note, my second little miracle came about a month after Jeff's passing. Introducing:

 Mila Evelyn Rollman, born July 20, 2011 at Providence Hospital at 8:56 am. She was 6 lbs 11 oz and 20 in long.

I won't go through all the details of her birth, but I will tell you that I finally did it without epidural (YAY!! HURT LIKE HELL!) and I popped her out only four hours after the labor woke me up (Why couldn't my water have broke in the middle of the day like last time? BUGGER!). The labor went surprising easy and fast. Was it due to experience? Was I lucky? I haven't a clue, but I'm not going to complain. She's a wonderful baby, with a quiet cry, who eats a TON and is growing much faster than her sister did. We're starting to think that she's even easier than Mei-Ling! And I didn't think it could get much better than her. I'm one lucky momma!

Now, for the realization part. This blog was originally created to follow my journey into opening my own small business. Once again, that dream is put on hold. Temporarily? Permanently? I have no idea. Drew and I had discussions on it and I thought his opinions were pessimistic, but after thinking long and hard about it all I realized he was really being REALISTIC. I try to think of myself as a realist, but I still have dreams and desires that I don't want to admit are probably a little beyond my scope. He helped me realize that time is somewhat of a commodity in my life right now and although my hobbies can make me a few dollars, the requirements are just too much for me to bear at this time in my life. I have a great job (that's a little demanding), a husband and two wonderful children that I have to focus on. If I want to pursue my dreams, I will have to give up one of those things (my job, of course) and we can't confidently say that we can afford for me to do that. So... I'm going to say this dream is temporarily put on hold... I'll still do some small planning on the side, but the major push will have to wait..

So... This blog will now follow a new journey. Inspired by my good friend and sister (Lex, baby, this is for you!), you will join me on my physical and emotional transformation into the beautiful girl I once was (10+ years ago) and would kill to become again. That girl was 140 pounds, a size 4 and very fit, with confidence and attitude oozing from every pore. Will I encounter pitfalls and hurdles? Hell yeah.. Will I lose motivation and confidence in myself? Most likely.. Will I succeed?? Who knows? Stay tuned...

Busy, Busy, BUSY!

So it seems like FOREVER since I last posted on this blog. Being a full-time employee, pregnant and mommy of a now potty-training toddler AND having all these ambitious hobbies is so time-comsuming and nerve-wrecking.

Since my last post, I have made my first toddler and baby blankets and baked a baby shower cake for two of my wonderful new mommy friends.

Denise, who just gave birth to a wonderful baby girl named Lily, was the recipient of the baby and toddler blankets. I don't have pictures of them yet, but they weren't bad for the first try, IMO. I made a whole basket for the baby, consisting of a pair of black patent dress shoes, a pink knit hat with a large pink flower, some wipes, lotion and baby bath, a few handmade bows and a purple blanket with rainbow satin trim and large satin bow on one corner. I also made a larger, toddler-bed size blanket for her other daughter, Kamryn, that was purple with satin Tinkerbell trim and flower appliques of assorted colors. I know how important it is to involve the sibling when a new addition comes along, so I needed to give her something just as special. I just hope that they last.

Another wonderful mommy-to-be (for the first time) is Megan, who's baby shower cake I baked this past weekend. When I heard that her baby shower was being planned by her mother and mother-in-law, I was a little heartbroken that I didn't get the chance to throw one for her, but I jumped at the opportunity to offer my assistance. Most of the planning had already been taken care of, except for the cake, so I offered to take care of that (the more experience I can get, the better, right?). While talking to her mother-in-law about the fine details of a possible theme, I suggested a pirate theme since their nursery was pirate themed for their unborn baby boy and because of the location (Margaritaville at Pensacola Beach). This was actually an idea that the future daddy threw around when I talked to him about the baby shower. After some slight convincing, the mother-in-law agreed that it would be a good idea and we ran with it. For the shower, I ended up baking a two-tiered pirate cake with yellow cake and confetti cake, buttercream icing and my own homemade marshmallow fondant. It turned out better than I expected, although I ran out of red dye for the fondant and it ended up looking pink. I just said "Well, this is really for the mommy anyway, so we'll go with it." I think it tasted great and it held up to the 1.5 hour drive just fine (which was my BIGGEST worry).

Another great adventure I've been involved in, is potty-training my 20 month old daughter. And boy, it has been an adventure, although from what I've heard from other mommies I've had it easy. Despite a few accidents here and there, she's been doing VERY well and I can't complain. I've learned that it's a lot like house breaking a pet, except you can't rub their nose in it and throw them outside if they have an accident. ;) Hopefully, we'll have her trained in no time!